To my dear family and friends. My husband tells me that people inquire often as to how I'm doing, so in response to your loving concern and in an effort to help him who answers these questions continually, here's an update. Before I get started and share some details of what's going on with me, I first want to get the most important business out of the way. I recently returned home from Chicago wh...
ere I continue to receive treatment. My Doctor has ordered scans for my next trip, August 21st thru August 25th. I would like to ask all of you who don't already have a purpose to fast for this coming Sunday if you would please fast for me. That my Doctor will continue to be inspired, that the cancer is shrinking and that the overall results will be positive. Thank you so much in advance for your continued love and support!
Now I can move on to how I am doing. Before I share with you the details of how I am doing, it is EXTREMELY IMPORTANT for you to know that I share these details as a matter of information only. I don't want anyone to think for a moment that I want sympathy, pity or any other emotion as to my plight. I am not sad in this trial. No, quite the contrary. My gratitude runneth over and I realize that there is always someone who has it worse. The Lord has blessed me beyond belief so I share this with you simply because "inquiring minds" want to know. I realize it's long and lengthy for Facebook but if it's too much then don't read it.
As many of you know, a few months ago my Doctor changed my chemo to a less aggressive one. This was a great blessing and I believe it came as a result of the last fast that was done for me. My Doctor had never seen anyone go past 4 rounds of that type of chemo without being deathly ill and I went 14. Only when he took me off of it did he tell me that some people have actually died from being on it. So although I'm now on a less aggressive chemo, the truth is, I'm now going into my 10th month of treatment and the side affects and symptoms are cumulative. So, although the change was made things are still tough.
The last couple of months I've struggled with my hands and feet. Neuropathy in the form of tingling and numbness, but worse. The skin on the bottoms of my feet have burned from the inside out and my feet get swollen which makes it very difficult at times to walk. My hands have also burned and become so swollen that to even hold a pen to write my name is extremely painful and difficult. My fingers are so individually swollen that I can't bend them or use my hands at all. Now both hands and feet are peeling and shedding the entire top layer of skin like a snake. I must say, it's a very attractive process, especially for a woman...haha. My hands look like an eighty year old grandma. Thankfully, my Doctor took me off of the oral chemo, Xeloda, for the last 2 months to give everything a chance to heal. They are now improving.
As a result of this new chemo I bruise extremely easy. Bruises pop up all over the place and I don't even know how they got there. I have night sweats every night. My Doctor tells me that my hormones are fine but that the sweating is due to the chemo. He says that it's the body's way of "detoxing." It's trying to get the poison out of my system. It has become a nightly ritual to lay a towel down in my bed, a separate hand towel next to me, and an extra pair of garments to change into. I wake up several times a night being wet and then freezing because the air conditioner is on.
My body hurts. It hurts all over due to the prolonged intake of chemo. I've often said that if the chemo doesn't kill the cancer first it will kill you. The best way for me to describe it is to think of your worst case of the flu. Your muscles from head to toe, your joints, EVERYTHING hurts. Thank heavens for modern medication to bring momentary comfort and relief. The fatigue really is beyond anything I can adequately describe. It is like NOTHING I have EVER felt before. Thankfully, the periods of nauseousness have been able to be controlled by medication.
I'm tired all the time. My iron is low due to the chemo which is why I am so tired. My regular doctor here in Apple Valley worries about this constantly but my Oncologist in Chicago tells me it's normal for cancer patients on chemo. He tells me to sleep as often as I can and reminds me that my body is healing while I'm asleep. He says that if I have to sleep the next year away to get back the rest of my life it would be worth it. I agree.
My emotions are all at the surface these days. It seems I can't talk to anyone without crying. As I've pondered about why this has happened, I think it's because you get so broken down. Broken in every way. Although, not my spirit! I'm not sad. Again, please don't misunderstand the details I'm sharing and think that I'm sad. Really, when I cry, it's mostly because I'm just so grateful!
People see me at church on Sunday and often say that I don't look sick. Thank you. Really, I would rather it be this way than to walk around looking sick. However, a wig and makeup hide a multitude of what is really going on. Anyone that has ever had cancer knows this. The truth is, I'm still terminal. The tumor on my pancreas is still inoperable. However, I know what I've been promised in Priesthood Blessings. My faith continues to be strong and I pray daily to learn the lessons that I'm supposed to be learning from all of this. I hope it has made me a better person. I pray that it has.
Last November, Doctors gave me only 5 months to live. Here I am 9 months down the road and I'm still alive! Every day that I live is a gift from my Heavenly Father and I will be forever grateful! Time with my husband, time with my children, time to keep learning and growing. Priesthood Blessings have told me that I will live but the truth is, whether I live or die, it mattereth not. I've come to terms with this and I'm no longer afraid of dying. No matter what happens I am happy and I will be grateful all the days of my life! However, I will never give up hope or stop fighting. Cancer may have taken a lot of things from me physically, but it will NEVER be able to take away my fighting spirit!!
I've had amazing experiences and met amazing people through my travels over the last several months. I know that this has been part of my journey. Many of these dear souls have become life long friends. We keep tabs on each other, encourage each other and NEVER, NEVER give up on each other. My life has been richly blessed by my new found friends. We're all at Cancer Treatment Centers of America for one reason, hope! I've given out numerous pass along cards over the last several months and have had many deep and spiritual conversations. Why wouldn't I want to share my most treasured gift with those who are in such a position to receive it? Whether I ever get to know if anything has come from my efforts, again, it mattereth not.
The Lord is my Shepherd, I shall not want. I love Him. I am indebted to Him for His loving atonement which gives me peace and I will spend the rest of my life trying to honor Him. I love my Heavenly Father. He IS my Father and I feel His love and comfort daily. With all of my heart I submit my will to Him so come what may. The spiritual experiences I've had have been rich but unfortunately, are far too personal to share in such a public forum. However, let it suff
iceth to know that I am left with absolutely no doubt that this IS the Savior's church!
I love you all! I am indebted to each of you. I mean it when I say, it would be a frightening experience to make this journey without you. It's a scary road that I walk and the only thing that makes it easier is to know that I am not alone. Thank you so much for all that you have done for me. Thank you to all of you who come by to check on me to make sure that I'm okay. Sometimes I just need a hug and a shoulder to cry on. It's a great release. Thank you for not forgetting about me. Thank you for all of the gifts, meals, cards, letters, regular text messages filled with hope, the phone calls, your time, prayers and your willingness to fast when needed. Truly, a simple "thank you" just isn't enough! Most of all, thank you for your love. It's difficult for me to realize that I will never be able to repay all of you for the many acts of kindness you've shown me. You've all exemplified the scripture found in John 15:13 which says, "Greater love hath no man than this, that a man lay down his life for his friends." Thank you for being the Savior's loving hands in my life. I will never forget all of you and Know that the Lord won't either! I love you all. Julie
